i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
