So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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