No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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