i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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