I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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