guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
