my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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