The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
