I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
