Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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