genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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