I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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