My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
