Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
