In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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