Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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