I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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