I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
