I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
