i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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