There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
