My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
