Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
