all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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