The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
