I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize