somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Randomize
