why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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