You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
