I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
