i think i have two assholes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
