do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
