my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
sex in a hospital.. check
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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