Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
