I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
