I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
