My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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