She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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