I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
did you just send me my own nude
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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