He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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