Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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