I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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