i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
