I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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