you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
