I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
