Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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