The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
