Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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