you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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