I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
