I can text with my tongue
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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