dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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