I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize