you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
