i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize