Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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