Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
