Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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