oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
