see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize