I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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