Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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