I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
